


Buried My Love

by theshipstorulethemallwrites



Series: the Notebook (2017) [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, Post-Season/Series 04, post 4x13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-10 00:20:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11115954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshipstorulethemallwrites/pseuds/theshipstorulethemallwrites
Summary: Bellamy has a conversation with the stars while in space





	Buried My Love

“Can you picture it? Us, together, finally being happy?” Bellamy asks, looking up at the stars as he drowns the last of his drink. Sometimes passing out is preferable to sleeping, at least that way he doesn’t wake whispering her name, feeling out his tiny bed for where she should be and instead coming up empty. The nightmares, the times when any of them die, the moments when she dies at his hand, the ones that make him shake when he wakes, they are so much easier to deal with than the dreams. He’s already living a nightmare, without her. The dreams torture him. They make them think he’s with her and it’s so easy to believe because it’s all he wants. 

_ She’s _ all he wants. 

“I wish it wasn’t so clear, I wish it didn’t feel so real, it would make you not being here so much easier if I didn’t..” His voice trails off and he looks at his empty glass. He’s broken too many glasses recently and he knows that the others would give me the worst chores if he broke another. But the universe seems so against him and there is absolutely nothing he can do. It’s not like he can stop his mind from filling him with images of her smiling at him, her holding a baby that looks like them, of the two of kissing and kissing and  _ kissing _ and he clenches a fist as the images overwhelm his mind. He lets the last image of his hands pressing into her skin as he tries to inhale her joy with his mouth, sheets tangled up and hair mussed remain in his mind for a moment, a rare smile turning up the corners of his lips. Lips that she’d never kissed. Lips that she’s traced with her eyes countless times, he’s observant he knows that she’s wanted him since the dropship but she’d never taken what he would have willingly given her.

“God, I want to grow old with you. I want to feel your skin on mine. I want to love you like we both want to. There were so many times where I wanted to say the words, the words I still can’t even say to the stars, because you deserve to be the first one I utter them to, but you wouldn’t let me. And I understand why because I refused to let you say the same vow to me, neither of us wanted it to also mean goodbye.”

Bellamy looks out at the vast universe, the stars and the burning planet below and he knows that he can’t believe she’s truly gone. He knows that because he felt a crack in his soul for a brief moment when Echo informed him Octavia died and he’d felt as though he was momentarily a ghost instead of man. And losing _her_ , he knows that his heart would shatter completely. He knows that grief is a visceral emotion, one that overtakes all corners of your mind and blocks out any rational thought. The fact that he’s able to tell that the dreams are dreams means that she’s not dead. 

“I know what I’d wish for now. It’s the same thing I find myself wishing for every time I’ve seen a shooting star and I see them at least once a day.  So for everyday we are apart, I’ll spend a few second wishing for you and your touch. I don’t want to die without knowing what your lips taste like or what you look like as you wake up from a long night or what you sound like after I’ve brought you to the height of pleasure. I don’t want to die without telling you. I know that after everything we’ve been through I’d just come back as a ghost and haunt you until you join in whatever afterlife I end up at.”

He rubs a hand over his face, feeling the hollowness of his cheeks, the way he’s been wasting away. They still don’t have much food, the algae farm is up and running but it’s going to take another month for the food to be edible. And there’s something to be said about living in relative peace. He still finds himself taking jabs at both Echo and Murphy but over the past 152 days he’s found he has come to consider them friends. He definitely understands them better and after he and Raven had a had a blowout that let to silent treatment for days, the two of them had rigged up a punching bag and placed it in a room a few doors down from the central area. He had often found himself in the room and that was actually how he and Echo had come to silent agreement as they had become sparring partners. He sometimes felt like he was betraying her by having sex with Echo but even for a few moments, it made him feel more human, more than just a ghost waiting for his heart to return to him. It helped that Echo knew and never expected anything more than what it was from him. And she made it good too, they always were worn and sweaty and he always fell into a dreamless sleep after. That was the best part, he never had dreams, he never woke up wondering where she was, he never gasped out her name like it was a prayer. 

He does that, he’s noticed, whenever he can bear to say  _ her _ name aloud, it comes out sounding like an answer to a question he’s silently been asking himself all his life. 

He wants to leave the stars to their own stories, to the legends that the constellations have charted but he finds himself compelled to continue speaking. He never thought he’d become a myth but he understands now that together with her, he will be. Hell, it’s already happened, the grounders speak of him as “TrikovaHeda” or Shadow Commander, when they refer to him alone but he’s also called “Wanheda’s keryon” or Wanheda’s soul which the first time Octavia had translated that, he had felt his heart stop because even the Grounders know what they are to each other, what they mean to each other. How hurting one of them, threatening one of them, can bring the other to their knees. They have to power to both make the other into this blood drenched myth but also make them weak and vulnerable. It's shocking sometimes, how much she's both his weakness and his strength. He wonders if they call her anything but Wanheda. He doubts it but sometimes he lets himself imagine. He knows that Echo would know but he can’t bring himself to ask, it’s almost as though he knows that the answer would either break him completely or allow him to breath a little easier. 

And maybe, just maybe, if he tells his story while they are separated the stars will make a constellation in their honor. 

Bellamy takes a deep breath, conjuring up an image of her and uttering the words his heart has been begging him to say since he walked out here what feels like centuries ago.

“I still have hope that we’ll meet again and I,” his voice breaks and he tries to stifle his sob but it comes out when he says her name, “I miss you,  _ Clarke _ .”

He stares at the stars, the emptiness stretching out before him and he doesn’t speak but lets his heart beat as loudly as it wants to, even though it sounds softer than it did before he’d been forced apart from her. And he knows, he knows with everything in him that when they reunite the stars will have a reason to shine again. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like it!! Comments make my entire week
> 
> title comes from Moondust by Jaymes Young because it's the most after finale bellarke song I think off and it really fits the story
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](http://the-ships-to-rule-them-all.tumblr.com)


End file.
